Humor

Hunting’s not a joke, but hunters and game agents are!

The following limerick is by Jill McCabe:

A feeble old hunter from Maine
was out shooting ducks in the rain
he backfired instead
and was shot through the head
but missed his diminutive brain

The following was adapted from a story from “Uncle Dave” of New City:

A hunter shot at what looked like a turkey but found to his dismay that he had shot a fellow hunter (who just happened to look like a turkey). In a state of total panic he threw the limp body over his shoulder and trudged into town. He unsuccessfully sought a medical doctor but the best he could find was an old country vet. He plopped his buddy on the vet’s examination table and stood by as the vet examined the hapless nimrod.

The vet finally turned to the hunter and said, “I’m sorry, but this guy is dead.” The hunter wailed, “Oh no – that can’t be – I have to get a second opinion.”

The vet shrugged his shoulders, opened the door of the examination room and a cat walked in. She hopped onto the examination table and very methodically examined the corpse. She then turned to the vet and meowed long and sad.

The Vet told the hunter – “Look, she agrees – he’s dead.”

The hunter was still in denial “Don’t you have somebody else that can look at him?” “OK-have it your way”, said the vet. This time he let in a big black Labrador retriever. The dog looked at the dead hunter; he looked at his head, he looked at his feet, he went to the other side and looked again. Finally, he thumped his tail twice and shook his head sadly.

“There you have it,” the vet said, “This guy is gone.”

By now the hunter accepted his fate. He thanked the vet and asked how much he owed him.

“That’ll be $650,” declared the vet.

The hunter was shocked “How can you charge me $650 for a simple exam?”

“Well” explained the vet, “It’s $50 for the exam, $300 for the cat-scan, and $300 for the lab report

A hunter who works as a traffic cop pulls over a fellow hunter and asks him for his license. The hunter rummages around the glove compartment but comes up empty. The traffic cop asks him if he can identify himself. The hunter looks all over, pulls down the visor; flips open the mirror and ruefully admits, “All I have is this picture of myself.” The traffic cop looks at it and smiles, “Why didn’t you tell me you were a cop? Just take it a little easy on the gas—ok; you can go now!”

A hunter is trying to hunt on private property behind a house whose owners, he happens to know, are out of town that day. He starts sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice – “Jesus is watching you!” He jumps, turns around, but he doesn’t see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. “Jesus is watching you!” He hears it again. So now the hunter is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, “Did you say that?” The parrot answers “Yes I did.” So the hunter asks, “What’s your name?” The parrot says “Clarence.” The hunter says “What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?” The parrot laughs and says, “The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler “Jesus.”

Here are some quickies:

Q: What are the six worst years in a hunter’s life?
A: Third Grade

Q: Santa Clause, a smart hunter, and a dumb hunter are walking down the street. They see a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk at the same time. Who gets it?
A: The dumb hunter because the other two are fictional characters

Q: What is the difference between the Abominable Snowman and an intelligent hunter?
A: There are reports that the Abominable Snowman has been sighted.

Q: Why can’t hunters get jobs as elevator operators?
A: They can’t figure out the route.
A teacher came back to his class after taking a day off for the first day of hunting season. He enthusiastically extolled the joys of hunting to his class. After fifteen minutes he paused and asked. “How many of you plan to go hunting when you’re old enough to get a license?” Overwhelmed by the animated description, but mostly intimidated by the teacher, all except one boy raised their hands.

The teacher glowered at that student and yelled, “And why wouldn’t you go hunting?” He explained calmly that his parents were in the Animal Rights Movement and had made clear to him what an outrageously cruel practice hunting was; so he would never take part in anything that brutal.

By now the teacher was fuming, “Your parents told you that? What would you do if your parents were a bunch of totally misinformed idiots?”

Confidently, the boy replied, “Well, in that that case I’d probably be a hunter like you!”

Q. How does a hunter show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. How many hunters does it take to buy a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don’t know; it has never happened.

Q. Why are women who are married to hunters heavier than other women?
A. Most women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Women married to hunters come home, see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.

Q. Where do you find good and decent hunters?
A. In the cemetery

Q. Why do they bury hunters 12 feet deep and other people only 6 feet deep?
A. Deep down they’re good.

Q. What would you call hunter with half a brain?
A. Extraordinarily gifted.

Q. How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented by a hunter?
A. Anybody else would have called a teethbrush.

Q. What is the difference between a Yeti and an intelligent hunter?
A. Several people have reported seeing a Yeti.

Q Why are most jokes in this column one-liners?
A. So hunters can read them in one afternoon.

One hunter accidentally shot his buddy. He dragged the body to the nearest road and called the police to report the accident. When the desk sergeant asked him where he was, the hunter told him he was at the gas station on Massachusetts Road. “How do you spell that?” asked the sergeant. The hunter was totally puzzled for a few minutes — then he ventured: “I suppose I could drag him over to Oak Rd and you can pick him up there.”

A question found on an ethics midterm: You are in the woods with a camera during hunting season to document what hunting is really like. You see one hunter take aim at what appears to him to be a bear but from your vantage point you can see quite clearly that it is another hunter. You can save a terrible accident by shouting a warning — or you can simply document the accident. What shutter speed should you use?

Two hunters were out in the woods looking for something to shoot. When they saw a big deer approach they got so excited that one of them had a heart attack and died. His buddy was very upset – he took out his cell-phone and called 911. Audibly disturbed and confused, he asked the 911-operator for help. The operator tried to calm him down, suggesting, “First of all – make sure he’s really dead.” There was total silence on the other side of the phone – then a shot rang out and the hunter got back on: “OK – I made sure – now what?”

As told by Linda Howard

From an Ethics test:

Q: How can just looking at a hunter make all people agree on a common ethical principle?
A. Everybody is absolutely sure that there should be no human cloning.
A hunter went deer hunting using his brand new ATV. After a few twist and turns he came across a huge puddle in the middle of a clearing in the woods. A farmer was standing off to the side looking at him. The ATV rider stopped and asked, “Do you think it’s safe for me to ride through this puddle?” “Sure, you should be able to go right through it with that machine” was the farmer’s reply. The hunter revved up the engine and promptly sank in over his head. After some struggle to free himself he finally emerged on top of the puddle swimming back to firm ground. “Hey – what do you mean by telling me it’s safe when it’s more than 10 feet deep?” the angry hunter demanded. The farmer shrugged and explained, “That’s strange – the water only comes up to the chest of the ducks over there.”

Q. What’s the greatest compliment you can pay to a hunter?
A. “Nice tooth!”

Q. Why do they plan to raise the minimum drinking age for hunters to 32?
A. They want to keep alcohol out of grammar schools.

Q: What is distinctly different about a hunter’s birth?
A: When a hunter is born the doctor is so disgusted he slaps the mother.
Two hunters were hunting on opposite sides of a large lake. One of them yells across to the other: “How do you get to the other side?” The other hunter is totally perplexed. Finally he yells back “You are already on the other side”

Q: Why did the hunter bring his tree stand to the bar?
A: He heard all the drinks were on the house.

Q: What has 80 legs and 4 teeth?
A: A hunters’ conference.

On the New York State hunting license application one line reads:

Education: 1 2 3 4
(Circle highest grade completed)

A hunter takes his idiot nephew hunting for the first time. “Look” says the hunter – “it’s simple, just three steps:

1) Look for tracks

2) Follow the tracks

3) Shoot the deer

“Got it?”

The idiot beams and says, “Yeah — I think I got it,” and trots off into the woods. About 10 hours later he comes crawling back all battered and bruised.

Looking very apologetic – he explains:

1) I find tracks

2) I follow tracks

3) I get hit by train

Q What is the Difference between a Sperm and a hunter?
A; A Sperm has a 1 in 10,000 chance of becoming Human

Light Bulb Jokes

If you can’t make fun of yourself, others are definitely making fun of you!

Q: How many ‘Merican hunt sabs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We’re not here to change light bulbs! we’re here to shoot guns

Q: How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don’t know, but where do you get your protein?

Q: How many Vegan does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

Q: How many vivisector does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don’t want you to see what they are doing.

Q: How many Vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, [Non-activist] Vegans can’t change anything.

Q: How many meat eaters dose it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they would rather stay in the dark about things.

Q: How many eco-feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That’s not funny

Q: How many PeTA members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One naked model and 3 people in chicken suits holding signs.

Q: How many Greenpeace activists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They write letters and file lawsuits to get the government to change it.

Q: How many CrimeThInc activists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: …when the light went out, we donned our berets, grabbed our bagel and went up to the roof top. Staring out upon the glory of darkness, we knew it was wonderful.

Q: How many Primitivists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Primitivists don’t need light bulbs, Our ancestors lived fine without them… Hey are you going to eat that bug?

Q: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or, “We don’t need no stinking light bulb.”

12. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

14. Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Dead Hunter Jokes

There is a tradition in a certain group of radical environmentalists, they tell “dead cop” jokes around at gatherings.  We are co-opting this tradition and redirecting it. Warning! the jokes below are tasteless.

For those without humor, we are against the intentional killing of hunters.

• How do you spoil a hunter?
  Leave it out in the sun.
• Why did the hunter drop it’s beer?
  It was hit by a truck.
•  If a tree falls on a hunter in the forest, and no one is
  around to hear it, is it still hilarious?
• What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
  A hunter combing it’s hair with a potato peeler!
• What’s blue and sits in the corner?
  A hunter in a garbage bag.
• What is the difference between a dead hunter and a VHS tape?
  The VHS tape don’t stink when you leave it out in the sun.
• How do you make a dead hunter float?
  Two scoops of hunter and some root beer.
• What’s the difference between a dead hunter and an onion.
  You don’t cry when you chop up a dead hunter.
• What’s more fun than a barrel of dead hunters?
  Sticking pins in their eyes.
• What’s blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
  A hunter with a burst life jacket.
•  How many dead hunters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  As many as it takes to climb on top of them in order to reach the socket.
• How do you get a hunter to run faster?
  Chase it with the lawn mower.
• What do you get when you put a dead hunter in a tree chipper?
  Hold on. I’ll tell you in a second.
• What’s pink and spits?
  A hunter in a frying pan.
• What happens when you burn a hunter’s face off?
  It makes weird noises and crawls into walls.
• What do you call a dead hunter pinned to your wall?
  Art.
• What’s red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
  A hunter in a microwave.
• .What’s got four wheels, smokes and squeals?
  A truck load of hunters on fire.
• What’s grosser than ten dead hunters nailed to a tree?
  One dead hunter nailed to ten trees.
• What’s pink and red and silver and runs into walls?
  A hunter with forks in its eyes.
• What’s the difference between a hunter and a bagel?
  You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the hunter in the oven.
• What do you call a dead hunter with no arms and no legs laying on your porch?
  Matt.
• What is red and orange and can’t turn round in a corridor?
  A hunter with a javelin through its throat.
• What’s the difference between a dead hunter and a Styrofoam cup?
  A dead hunter doesn’t harm the atmosphere when you burn it.
• What’s orange, and red, and full of holes?
  Dick Chaney’s hunting buddy.
• What’s red and lies in all four corners of the room?
  A hunter that’s been playing with a chainsaw.
• What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic hunter get for Christmas?
  Cancer.
• How are hunters and cops alike?
  Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.
• What bounces up and down at 100mph?
  A hunter tied to the back of a truck.
• What’s red, screams and goes around in circles?
  A hunter with its foot nailed to the floor.
• What’s the difference between a dead hunter and a felt tip marker?
  You don’t get second looks when you’re writing with a felt tip marker!
• What’s the difference between a watermelon and a dead Hunter?
  A watermelon floats.
• What’s the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead hunters?
  I don’t have a Cadillac in my garage.
• How many dead hunters can fit in a barrel?
  4 1/2.
• What do you call a dead hunter with no arms and no legs laying on a beach?
  Sandy.
• What’s the difference between a dead hunter and a golden delicious apple?
  You don’t have to bleed the golden delicious apple before you take a bite out of it.
•  What’s red and goes round and round?
  A hunter in a garbage disposal.
• What’s blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
  A hunter with a punctured lung.
• What’s more fun than stapling hunters to a wall?
  Ripping them off again.
• Why do you unload a truck full of hunters with a pitchfork?
  So you can tell which ones are still alive.
•  What’s more fun than strapping a hunter to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 100 mph?
  Stopping it with a shovel.
• What’s the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead hunters?
  You can’t unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
• How do you get 100 hunters into a bucket?
  With a chain saw!
• How many dead hunters does it take to change a tire?
  Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it in case it explodes.
• What’s white and red and hangs from a telephone wire?
  A hunter shot through a snowblower.
• Why do you stick a hunter in the tree chipper feet first?
  So you can see the expression on its face!
• What gets louder as it gets smaller?
  A hunter in a trash compactor.
• What do you call a dead hunter with no arms and no legs laying in a ditch?
  Phil.
• What’s the difference between a Dead hunter and a tree?
  One is not cool to hit with an ax.
• What do you call a dead hunter with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
  Bob.
• How do you stop a hunter falling down a manhole?
  Stick a javelin through it’s head.
•  How many hunters does it take to paint a house?
  Depends how hard you throw them.
• What’s funnier than a dead hunter?
  A dead hunter in a clown costume!
• How do you make a dead hunter float?
  Take your foot off of it’s head.
• What’s the difference between a dead hunter and a trampoline?
  When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
• What do you call a dead hunter with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
  Fucked.
•  How do you stop a hunter crawling round in circles ?
  Nail its other hand to the floor.
• What do you call a dead hunter with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
  Art.
• What is more disgusting than a dead hunter?
  A live hunter.